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The Master Cleanse Masterminded

Written: June 20th 2014

As I sit here munching on my veggies drinking water …. I’m having a hard time coming up with words. I blame that mostly on the lack of wine. But also the fact that I have so much to say it’s all jumbled in my head. And also because I haven’t blogged in forevs’ so I kinda forgot how.

Let’s start…. I’ve wanted to try The Master Cleanse, ever since I started thinking that fad diets and crash eating habits were the way to lose weight and “get healthy” … and hey Beyonce did it! To be clear, being thin does not mean you are healthy and visa versa. So the spark of the idea came from wanting to lose weight, but it seemed more of a mental challenge and something I wanted to cross off my bucket list.

A few weeks ago my friend Jenn and I decided to suck it up and just do it. If not now, when? We picked a day to start – a Monday of course and headed to the store to get our supplies. The dude who worked at the market was curious as to why we were asking about buying a box of lemons. “Wow good luck with that”, that seemed to be most of the reactions I was getting when telling people what I was doing. “Wait, you don’t eat for 10 days!!?” “Like, does beer count?”.

At first it seemed impossible and way too long to not put anything in my mouth (insert sexual innuendo here). But looking at the reality of it… yeah shit, it’s still 10 days without food. It’s a detox not a diet and it’s exactly what I needed.

Day one. Psyched up and seriously full and groggy from the night before. Yes, of course I ate a whole bag of cookies, and had some wine… and maybe some pasta and beer. So much for ‘prepping’. Anyway, I was ready to do this and put this emotional eating stuff in my past for good – it still creeps into my life sometimes like a bad hookup that you end up calling when you get drunk and lonely.

Of course I didn’t journal about any of this, except if you count my text conversations with Jenn; crazy – frantic – obsessive – antsy – I hate my life – I feel amazing – I’m going to pass out – fuck everyone – I want pizza – it’s spiritual hunger – what do I really want out of my life – I’m starving – I can’t sleep it’s 4am – I want this to be over – I feel amazing – herbal tea saved my life – I woke up happy and hungry – What are our cravings in life that aren’t being fulfilled – We need love – I want, I want, I want – I need a hug – Let’s cheat – I’m over this fucking bullshit – Drink more water – Who’s idea was this anyway? So that’s the gist of it.

So if I can remember correctly, Day Two was absolutely awful. I was so hungry and tired and had major stomach cramps. Felt like I was going to pass out and had visions of myself in the emergency room having to explain such a dumb reason for being there. Most days I was just tired and grouchy. The feeling that you get when you’re hungover and you get annoyed by everyone and everything. And then of course there was having to say ‘No’ to everyone – “No can’t go hiking, too tired” , “No can’t meet up” and “No definitely can’t go the bar! but have fun, assholes”.

Smells started to get really noticeable. OMG coffeeeeee !!! And some type of deliciously creamy and cookie like waffle-ish smell I ran into one day and it made me so happy/salivate. Walking past the movie theatre I swear I tasted popcorn just by smelling it. Of course my friend asked me to go to the movies that night. “No (again) can’t for fear of housing an entire super sized popcorn and then licking the container and rubbing it all over my naked body.” Um… yeah so that would be a ‘No’. Notice there’s a weird link between sexual desires and food? That topic for another day.

One of the days I even met Jenn before work just so we could give each other a hug. It really did help. Comfort was needed and the usual place to fix that is in the cookie jar. But I didn’t even want cookies I just wanted a fucking iced coffee with a splash of soy milk and a salad with chicken. I mean really was that so much to ask!? One night I did crave Elios Pizza and started recollecting about my childhood and how I’d always be that little girl and nothing ever changed. That was a 4am conclusion in delirium. But realistically it’s true, getting back to the simplicity of all things. When you didn’t have to worry about whether you should or shouldn’t have eat something. Showers became much more enjoyable – yes, even for me. My vanilla oatmeal soap smelled amazing. And cherry lipgloss was like a pie.

I also started realizing the connection with buying things, normally that would be food… here and there, a Kombucha, pretzels, gum even. Need vs Want. And purchasing things always makes us feel better, accomplished. I tried to feed myself with beauty and wisdom. I sat on the beach a lot – until the sun became too much and I felt light headed. I read a ton! Mostly health stuff which started getting me super stoked to eat well when I could eat again in what seemed like 20million days. Going in the ocean helped too, probably because I was weightless and did’t have to use my legs to walk somewhere which seemed like a huge task. “Really I can’t get up to go the the bathroom because I just might fall over.” Mostly I felt antsy, unsettled and irritated. I think I almost broke up with Josh one night, definitely yelled at a bunch of people while driving and looked forward to going to bed so that one more day would be over… and I could dream about food.

Day four and five were whatevs, the usual weakness, but then Day six came and went and something magical happened. I don’t know but at that point I knew I was going all the way (Jenn and I had been teetering on quitting). But I felt good… I had energy and I felt empowered. Don’t get me wrong, I still had bouts of tiredness and had to be saved with water a few times. But this was it and so much was becoming clear.

Yoga gave me strength… mind and body. When I practiced I felt great after and when I moved I got less hungry. I wanted to fuel my body with all healthy things and read and learn more and more and more. Thanks so much to the NJ boys for educating me on “terrain modification.”

All of a sudden I was on day 10! And yes I bought myself a little momento for a reward, something golden – and not the glaze of a Krispy Kreme which I randomly dreamt about the last night. But what I’m ready for now? Awareness… of my body and how it feels and what it wants and what it truly needs. What it needs to sustain it’s terrain and what each little living cell in there needs to survive and flourish.

Of course I lost some weight and saw results. I don’t weigh myself so I have no idea how much, but my clothes fit better and I think I can see a rib or two again. Not important but what is, is that I’m ready for a healthy balance. Fueling myself with veggies !!! Fruits and grains, beans and real stuff. No dairy – which didn’t show it’s face much in my diet to begin with. Less meat for sure, No pig though. No sugar or processed foods (obvi ! that was minimal to begin with anyway). Less coffee – tragic, I know but sorry Starbucks I will not be seeing you everyday… maybe just a few times per week. More alkalizing foods and less acidic foods so that my body actually takes in the nutrients I am giving it. Mostly plant based and raw and whole – closest to Nature. Of course I’ll have feta on my salad once in a while and cookies and probably a steak, and let’s be honest I’m not giving up wine ! Do I wish I could be that ‘raw vegan eats perfect everydamn day person’? I thought I did… I thought I was supposed to be her. But for me it’s balance and freedom. And that’s exactly what I plan on doing.

The TMI: When you drink the tea it will definitely give you stomach cramps and diarrhea, and it’s probably gonna burn like cayenne pepper. The best part of your day will be licking the maple syrup spoon. Whatever’s detoxing from your body is going to come out through your pours, and you’ll stink. Especially around Day 8. And, you’re going to want to kill yourself or someone else at some point during the process.

All in all well worth it and I’m glad I did it, and not just to cross it off my list. I’d consider it again in 6 months or so if I feel like I need a little reminder. If you’re thinking about taking the plunge, check all the deets online by googling #TheMasterCleanse because there are a lot of little specifics. And hit me up with any questions. Good luck… and drink up Jeeeeeoooohny !!

PS – my skin looks amazing


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