With a positive pregnancy test and a viable pregnancy, Infertility is cured right? All your pain goes away, you reached your end goal and never have to think about it again. ... Think again...
This is the day after we found out we were pregnant. I sat on the couch for about 3 days straight waiting for the phone call from Main Line Fertility just like all the other days in the three months prior, waiting for embryo reports, waiting for test results, waiting for blood work, waiting for that positive test! Waiting, waiting, waiting.
As soon as I picked up the phone and hear the nurse's voice, I knew.
Congratulations !! You're pregnant !
“What a relief, tears, shaking, excited, finally! It worked and we were so beyond lucky. Infertility was over.”
JUsT KiDDiNg !!
Pregnancy Loss and Infertility is something that doesn't go away. It follows you throughout your entire pregnancy and I'm sure beyond (I'll let you know when I get there). It affected every area of our life for about 3 years. Self confidence, marriage, relationships, finances, loss of enjoyment of life in general. Can I tell you the last time I had fun or laughed? I can't because I don't remember. Infertility robs you of a LOT, it's heartbreaking. And it's something that shapes who you are. Anytime we navigate through pain and travel down a hard road it makes us stronger (if we let it), if we work for it and through it.
So if you are on that hard path, or have walked it already. I see you! I hear you, I feel you, You got this. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
“The easy path leads to the hard life, but the hard path leads to the easy life.” - Rilke
And just some more random thoughts on this...
I find this coming up over and over again. I really thought that being pregnant all these insecurities, fears, annoyances, why me's, and non-tolerance of people's comments would go away. But they haven't and I don't think they ever will.
My MIL said something the other day that was "well, you're pregnant so it doesn't matter". Woah - *trigger*. No, actually it DOES matter. All the pain we went through matters, everything I put my body through matters, all the money we spent matters, our baby still isn't here safely so it matters ! We have a high risk condition so it matters. If you work really really hard for something in life and you are hurt along the way, it feels different when it finally comes to you. A pregnancy after a loss feels different than your first pregnancy.
Just like with other things. A second marriage feels different than your first. Or if you've dated a bunch of assholes, and then finally meet your dream man - it's different. You can't ever have a first kiss again, or lose your virginity twice. And let's hope the sex just gets better and better. But there are 'first's' of things that you can never experience again, there are experiences of things that are different because of what you went through prior to them.